DVD Blog-entary: Footloose (the original, not the unnecessary remake)

Hello!  I’ve slacked off on these, haven’t I?  What can I say:  it’s been busy over on the music blog.  As I sit here grooving to Russian Unicorn, I’m preparing to blog the hell out of one of my fave childhood flicks:  Footloose.

I can hear the soundtrack in my head already.  It was one of my favourites in the parental vinyl collection.  Kenny Loggins was the 80s soundtrack man, folks.  Don’t even try to argue.  Your points will be invalid.  Trust me.  So’s the remake of this film, which I refuse to ever see out of respect for the almighty Kevin Bacon and John Lithgow.

To help you out kids, I’ll try and add visual cues to my comments so you can play along.  Grab your DVD, load it in your player of choice and “Ev’rybody cut, ev’rybody cut!

Press Play

  • Oh, the old school Paramount logo…. nostalgia!
  • Let there be lips… er feet!  Sorry, wrong nostalgic fave.  Hell yeah, Kenny Loggins!
  • Oh my lord, mesh slip on shoes…. *shudder*  I loved a lot about the 80s, but the shoes…
  • Leg warmers!  *dead*
  • Moonwalk!  Just in case you didn’t know this was the 80s…
  • Stock footage is blatantly stock footage.

  • John Lithgow is awesome in this movie.  Remembering his role as Rev. Shawn Moore made watching him on Dexter extra delicious.
  • Kevin Bacon is not having your shit, John.
  • LOLZ, your daughter is painting her nails satanic red during your sermon.  Which, by the way, sounds like an existential crisis that should be delivered on a psychiatrist’s couch.
  • “Son, I know this is boring as fuck, but if I’ve gotta pretend to care, so do you.”
  • Gaggle of girl geese watch as the secretly pervy Ariel Moore meets dreamy Ren.  “Are you blind?  He’s gorgeous!”  (And decently endowed.  See Wild Things.)
  • “Hey dreamy trucker!  Going our way?”
  • I totally forgot Sarah Jessica Parker was in this!  She looked more human and less horse-like back then.
  • Oh, Hollywood!  Crazy girl straddling two vehicles without expert instruction is so plausible.

  • Triple facepalm for you Ariel, you go Ariel!
  • Bwahahahaha!  Irony:  they’re all terrified of Slaughterhouse Five… and I can’t make myself finish it out of boredom.  Irony two:  Tom Sawyer is a classic to them… y’know, because the racism/hatred of fellow man is right where it belongs instead of being challenged in Twain’s world.
  • Music cue:  “Dancing In The Sheets”.  Gonna have a dancing montage at the malt shop, baby!  Sexual innuendo via hot dogs and seductive lyrics.
  • Snap!  Daddy busted yo’ ass!
  • Music cue:  Metal Health (Bang Your Head).  Welcome to your first day at Bible Thumper High!  Mind the ten gallon hats.
  • LOL!  Did that girl just say, “Hrrpmh!  Girl, you are on!” or am I high?
  • Kevin Bacon is the man:  he just has to dance (with girls like Ginger) to get free brewskis.  #bigpimpin
  • Willard is the apparently SJP’s pet puppy.  Baits him with food and babytalks him.
  • Ren is horrified:  dancing?  Banned?  A plague of small towns with no dancing? It’s like the world’s taken over by the crazy mom in Detroit Rock City.
  • LMAO at the over-copped-cops pulling him over.  Whacking him with a cassette tape in the face.  Where was YouTube then, huh?

  • “Daddy?  Y U No Like Music?”
  • This scene was so much cooler when it was between Jennifer Grey and Jerry Orbach in Dirty Dancing.  Lithgow’s just too down with his Christian Rock Band secret dreams.
  • The next day, trucker moron’s back.  Cutting off poor Ren’s tiny clown car, making gay slurs.  He’s so bad-ass.  I’ve also realized it’s no wonder I picked up ‘douchebag’ at a young age – a 1984 film tossing it around that was a constant?  Indoctrination into cussing, baby.
  • Meow, Ariel!  Chuck wants to see me?  No 1 curr.  Busy working with flour, brb.
  • I love the random cuts to new scenes that vaguely translate into an advancing plot.  Now we’re at the gym, where Kevin swings on a steel rod and finds out Ariel’s a hoor.
  • Speaking of, bam!  Cut to Ariel being a hoor with Chuck, who does not support her college ambitions.  Y’know, Mr. “Slaughterhouse Five” Ren would appreciate intelligence.
  • And another cut 60 seconds later!  Tractor chicken!
  • “Wanna git high, Ariel?”
  • “Yay, Ren!”  “How’d I get myself into this?”
  • Cue the Bonnie Tyler baby, because we know this scene is an excuse for a manhood measurement that determines her love interest.  Considering Ren’s more of a “streetwise Hercules”, guess who wins her love?

  • Y’know Ariel, ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE CHEERING REN.  Just a thought.
  • Bacon’s ass is filthy.  Did he crap himself?
  • SJP is like, the Charlotte to Lori Singer’s Carrie.
  • Bwahahahaha teachers trying to trap Ren with planted pot.  It’s like Glee.  Can you fight this feeling anymore, Ren?
  • The stepdad or whoever sounds like the Charlie Brown parents to me every time he’s on screen.  “Wah wah wah.”

  • Music cue:  “Never”.  Aka Ren feels the need to dance while thinking of his hormonal teen drama.  Gonna have a recap montage!  I love this movie, I do, but Ren’s dance right here looks eerily like the inspiration for this:

  • Y’know, maybe this is why High School Musical was so compelling for the tweens.  It’s the magic of Zac Efron channeling the magic powers of Kevin Bacon’s groin-pumping moves and flailing arms.

  • And now we see why we had to know Ren’s down with gymnastics:  he has to swing on a bar when angry to loud pulsing music to express his angst.
  • Ariel’s such a stalker.  She magically shows up at his sooper sekrit dance hall and demands kisses.
  • “I’m not just a town floozy!  I applied to colleges.  I didn’t even tell my Daddy about all of them!  I’m a rebellious lover of education.”
  • Of course, magically their banned books hideaway is in this little hideaway of Ren’s.  And this where they wank to lit porn and cement their love.  At least it’s based on intelligence and art.  Oh, and Ariel’s deathwish because she is banned from healthy means of expression like dance.  Thus, Ren’s quest to save the town.
  • “We’re not living in the Middle Ages here.  We got TV, we got Family Feud.”  Awesome Willard moment.
  • Oh dear God, shut up, Reverend!  Do you ever do anything aside from preaching?  If you were just a nice guy who liked the Yankees or something, you might have more listeners.
  • Music cue:  “Hurt So Good”.  Sekrit music cue:  “Breakin’ the Law!”.  Welcome, my pretties, to the evil world of booze and boogie.  ZOMG SATAN!
  • Damn girl, eat a sandwich!  I can see every bone in that girl’s upper body.
  • SJP is all, “Wah!  Dance with me, loser!”
  • I don’t get why she doesn’t just go dance solo to fast numbers until “Footloose” comes on (second time of three… just in case we forget what we’re watching).  I also don’t get why Willard didn’t ask for dance lessons sooner.  Plus, any idiot can slow dance.
  • Hey, jealousy!  Get yer lumberjack paws off my woman!
  • Hey, Lithgow!  Your daughter can’t be a cherry on top of anything when she’s popped hers.
  • I’m pretty sure that God doesn’t like violence, Reverend.  Better go beg for forgiveness.  Oh wait, we flash-cut to the church!  He heard me!
  • YES!  My favourite part:  the “Let’s Hear It For The Boy” dance montage!

  • BRB dancing to my jam!
  • Lithgow wants a cookie, bitches!  Pony up!

  • And now, boy drama.  Ariel is all, “Um, I wanted to tell you that because you suck at tractor chicken, I’m going to keep my legs closed to you now.”
  • Damn!  This is the second bitchslap she’s gotten in this movie.  Does she have an invisible “hit me” tattoo, or did the screenwriter just not have any other ideas?  And a third slap!
  • “What’s in da box?!”  Sadly, not Gwyneth Paltrow’s head.  Just music.  Is this music evil too?  It’s inducing kissing…

  • See, Mama Moore has the common sense.  “O hai honey, just looking at you made me wanna get nasty.  You gonna jab out the eyes of all the kids to gird their loins?”
  • The only payoff for being a pastor’s daughter:  knowing every Bible passage countering Daddy and the town’s dance hate-on.  LOL.
  • …. Y’know, it’s as true now as it was then:  the violence comes from the religious intolerants when it’s a matter of moral change.  You don’t see Ren chucking bricks through windows.

  • Awesome speech of awesome:  “Ecclesiastes assures us… that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh… and a time to weep. A time to mourn… and there is a time to dance. And there was a time for this law, but not anymore. See, this is our time to dance. It is our way of celebrating life. It’s the way it was in the beginning. It’s the way it’s always been. It’s the way it should be now.”
  • Finally, someone in this town with sense:  “Screw dem town council idiots!  Let’s DANCE!”
  • Ariel and the Reverend are like, Ariel and King Triton, only Triton’s cooler.   He also doesn’t fear telling it like it is to her face.  And now, Ariel’s about to break your heart, Daddy dear:

  • Book burning makes me VERY angry.  Rage!  See what you’ve done, John?  See?  Innocent books are perishing!
  • Tearjerker daughter-daddy moment time!  “I believe in you, Daddy!”  *sniffsniff*
  • And now, the Reverend would like to say a few words on why you’re all judgmental assholes and should allow people to think for themselves.  Oh, the horror!
  • “By the way, Imma approve this inadvertently by asking you to pray for the dancing teens.”  Nah nah nah!
  • “I’m free!”  Sing it, Kenny!  One more montage (montage)!  Gotta decorate the warehouse with a montage!
  • Ariel’s wearing such an ugly dress.  Honey, you need cleavage for that look and you barely have hips.
  • “I was gonna come up…. da… da…. der…. You’re beautiful.  Let’s bone.”
  • Alright bizznatches, you know where this movie ends, right?  Dancing?  Fun?  Oh wait, first everyone’s gotta be all awkward because only Ren and Ariel know how to freaking dance without a crowd.  It’s even more awkward than my first junior high dance, and that was one of those video dances, so um… yeah.  Lame.
  • Also, Daddy and Mommy Moore gotta come spy.  Y’know, to ensure he finally stops crusading against the evilz of muzik and remembers to bone his wife again.
  • Last, Chuck’s gotta have one last wankery fight so he can get his ass soundly whooped and left for waste.  Whee!
  • NOOOOWWWWWWWW EVERYBODY CAN CUT FOOTLOOSE!  Hit play on that video below my pretties and enjoy the finale of gif-tastic joy!

THEY SAID EVERYBODY CUT FOOTLOOSE!  EVERYBODY!

Thank you for participating in this picspam of joy for the 80s!  See you next time, when I take on another classic film…

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3 thoughts on “DVD Blog-entary: Footloose (the original, not the unnecessary remake)

  1. Thomas Ross says:

    Wow. Your “picspam of joy” even better than the original- and I loved that flick. So glad I dropped by your blog today. Thanks. Tom

    • Amber Waves says:

      So glad you enjoyed! I’m rather amused by gifs when half-asleep. The best part for me is how every single one works perfectly with the song. It’s like Footloose is THE magic dancing tune.

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