Live Blogging: The Twilight Saga – Breaking Dawn Pt 1

I am an ironic Twilight fan, in that I wouldn’t call myself a fan of the books in the sense of “what amazing literature!” or “how wonderfully Meyer fleshes out the backstory for her secondary characters!”, but rather, “this is a gloriously bad soap opera that swings back around to enjoyable – especially with alcohol” girl.  This isn’t to slag anyone who’s a through and through fan; it’s just to preface what will come with an understanding that I view the series through the lens of sarcasm and LOLZ.

That said, Breaking Dawn is, by miles, my least favourite book of the Saga.  Aside from glorious exchanges between Rosalie and Jacob, I pretty much want to slap everyone for the entire first half, get mildly interested in the beginning of book 2, then roll my eyes at the end, shrieking, “REALLY?  That’s it?” and wishing there was more Alice and Alistair.

I don’t hold high hopes for the movies, then, but I am a completist.  Even though I loathed Eclipse, and still think New Moon is the best film (and book) of the series, I must see this one too.

Armed with pizza, wings, and a frightening amount of alcohol in my veins courtesy of drinking these (Adios, indeed!), I’m settling in to watch.  I’ll be randomly commenting on things I see as I go and posting the results, so enjoy the madness!

Live Blogged:  Breaking Dawn, Pt 1

  • Voice-over: KStew tells us to grow up; on screen: Jake wah wah fursplodes.  Beautiful.
  • “Does no one have vision?!”  Now THERE is the Alice we all know and love.  There has not been nearly enough fun with Alice in the series. As always, NEEDS MOAR ALICE.
  • I wonder if Edward ever gets pissed about that dreamcatcher still on her bed….
  • Rob, you’re a good guy, but you really don’t handle these Monologue-ward moments…  They’re always kinda wooden/odd.
  • Peeping Kellan!  Peeping Jackson!
  • In walks the Megabitch – er Rosalie… Cold as Ice plays in my head…
  • And of course, Alice is so adorable and could she please make an appearance in my life to molest or at least snuggle with kthxbi?
  • Charlie wins at everything.  Seriously, Billy Burke is 30% of my reason for watching these movies.
  • Okay, I have never seen a less enthusiastic bride.  Fer serial.
  • Ahhh!  Now she’s had her smoochie times, all better!
  • Yeah, totally do not buy this Tanya as able to make Bella jealous.  Fugly.
  • These speeches are why I am NOT having any speeches at my wedding.
  • CHARLIE. <3  OMFG love you.
  • Renee is LOLZ.  Get that bitch a karaoke machine.
  • The Jake scene…. I almost liked him…
  • For all of my criticisms of these movies, Billy and Kristen are perfect together in their scenes.
  • Edward totes gives her the sex eyes and bam! Bella is pregnant before the sexing.
  • Bella is having an existential crisis over something she’s been demanding forever. WTFuckery
  • Sex-crazed Bella is LOLZ
  • Vampire shock! Dun da dun!
  • “I wanna cooooooooooooooooooool rider!” *Jake rides in*
  • *swoon* Rosalie calling Jake a dog…  I’m serious – the unending barbs between them is the best part of the book IMO.
  • Okay, the whole doggie voiceover? So failtastic cheese.
  • Edward hits Yahoo; learns the facts of life. Carlisle wishes he’d thought to pack condoms.
  • Edward has a point: Bella is a total bitch for just storming on ahead, not caring about what her dying would do to Edward or the Cullens.
  • Mmmmmm bloodshake!  Om nomm nomm!
  • LMAO @ everyone mocking Renesmee.
  • OMG Bella looks so gross and yuck and Cryptkeeper and OMG BRB hiding face EWWWWWWWW!
  • Bloody baby is icky please bathe it now.
  • Older Renesmee is hot, just sayin’.
  • Oh, Edward…. Jacob imprinted…. so yay, no killing but um…. yeah. Poor guy.
  • “Don’t panic, Edward; she’s just too stoned to writhe. LOLLERSKATES!”
  • DUH DUH! RED EYES!
  • Execution for poor grammar=epic winning.

Et voila!  Part one of the last book is in the can…  And considering how meh the source material was, Condon did a good job.  My one bitch – and Rosenberg really is notorious for this – is the cutting of the Rosalie-Jacob barbs, like the dog dish and such.  It would have been much needed comic relief.  Then again, she has a tendency when adapting these books to cut small moments that, to me, are actually important (ex: Bella crying when she realizes Edward is taking her to prom, not changing her ass).  How the bitch does so well with Dexter, I do not know.

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